Why am I blogging so late at night

I am wondering why I am here. I mean to delete my blog most of time, because (A) it ends up being an embarrassment when I write things in the moment and publish them and (B) nobody reads my blog anyway.  At the same time I don’t want to delete my blog because one day my son might want to read about his mothers life as it was around the time of his birth.  I think it would be interesting to read about my own mothers life around ’85. I digress as always….

A sense of embarrassment and shame overflows in my when I think about my blog. My blog…my online diary that I have kept for the last three years and have had generally negative feelings towards. So why do I write on here? I guess the reason is that I want to talk about myself but not to anyone I know, because I don’t want people I know to know about me. Strange.  I created a wall around me, even conscientiously, but I am powerless to stop it from growing and blocking my perception of the real world.  I feel it growing around me, glazing over it with my own eyes, but I can’t do anything about it. I haven’t let anyone see me as I am: a shy, cowardly, nervous person with an enormous passion to rise above these limitations and to grow as much as I can. But I can’t. I can’t joke with other people or relax in someone else’s presence.  It’s my weakness and perhaps my own fault that I am completely closed off from everyone else. I can’t help it. I’ve spent so long pushing everyone away that I can’t redeem myself anymore. It’s gone.

I can do now is tell you the reason I wanted to write today.  Last year I remember sitting in front of the computer, researching for days about what I wanted to do in my life, career-wise. After rejecting several paths (engineering being my first choice, but ultimately decided it would be too much work and money to go to a four year university with a baby at home), I decided on nursing. It is an ideal career path for someone like me, a mother.  What I love most about nursing is that it allows me to work with just a two year degree and study for a four year degree while working.  My goal was to do the pre-reqs and apply for admission for Jan 2011. It was a foolish plan because I could not possibly do the work required for admission: two semesters of Anatomy and Physiology, Intro to Psych, Microbiology, College Algebra and Health Prof Science. It took me a year as a part time student to do everything I needed and I applied for Jan 2012 admission and Alhumdulilah I got in.

I am nervous about the program. I heard it is difficult and time consuming. The part that scares me the most is being away from my son for long stretches (12 hour clinicals!). I really hope my mom can come stay with us during the hard clinical times…iA…I hope I can do it…iA.

 

 

 

I have 441 messages at gmail.

I don’t plan on checking them.

My son is currently on the bed, lying on a pillow, trying to roll over. He pooped a minute ago, which I didn”t need to smell or check for because he poops (another one just now!) loud enough to hear.  He’s been on a iron overdose recently because I started him on cereal mixed with formula. All that extra iron makes him very constipated so pooping is now an every couple of days occurrence, compared to twice a day without fail before when I was nursing exclusively.

Just been so stressed lately. I’m nervous about taking classes again. I haven’t been in a classroom in over 2 years.  Being the painfully shy, socially inept dork that I am, it’s nerve-wrecking to think about going to a class again. I especially hate the idea of getting dressed for class. Maybe I should just wear a burka and hijab. It will save me time and energy but I really don’t want to stand out even more than I already do.

This will be the first time I’ll be away from Jr for so long.  Omar will be home to take care of him, but I know how much of a handful Jr can be sometimes. insha’Allah hope it goes well.

 

Goals for this week

(1) Get garbage disposal/sink fixed.

(2) Start on classes

(3) Get Rehan use to bottle feeding (imperative because I will be going to class on Fridays and Saturdays)

(4) Mail textbook.

(5) Organize important documents (incld birth cert for baby)

IA hope all goes well.

 

3 Random things That Hurt Like HELL (relating to childbirth)

(1) Rib pain

Not all women seem to get this infliction. I don’t recall my sister or my mother telling me about this. Rib pain during pregnancy starts right on top of your rib cage. It feels like an achy sore muscle. It gets worse if you sit or stand for a while. I had it all of my last trimester and it made me miserable.  Po-po!

(2) IV- The source of nutritional fulfillment after a major surgery.

READ: A long ass needle the nurse sticks into your WRIST to prepare you for a long starvation. Hurts like a mother-

Seriously hurts so bad, it made my wrist ache like crazy. I immediately called up my sister and asked her if it’s suppose to hurt this much.

She said yea.

Sucks.

(3) C-secti0n

I had an emergency c-section. I was all prepped for a normal labor and delivery until a nurse felt that the baby’s heart rate was dipping.  She sent for a few other nurses and suddenly eight women were surrounding me, one rubbing on my hand, another pushing my stomach, yet another screaming at me to relax my legs so she could feel for the baby’s head. I started to cry, it hurt so much but still honestly tried to relax my legs (one of which was being held up by someone else) and let the nurse do her job. A few minutes of extreme pressure followed and before I knew it all eight of the nurses were wheeling me into an operating room. One was holding my hand and rubbing it, repeating over and over again that it would be okay.

I was still crying when they starting preparing me for the c-section. A pair of kind blue eyes stared at me and said, “I’m going to give you anesthesia, you will be asleep soon.”

I felt something cold on my stomach. Panic and naked fear. I was going to be cut open while I was still awake, my mind screamed. Please let me go to sleep soon God.

I woke up to Omar’s smiling face.

The End.

Eh, it doesn’t end there.

C-section hurts. I haven’t gone through normal labor and delivery but I’ve seen enough movies to know it’s probably not much fun.  The difference between vaginal birth and a c-section is that c-section hurts for a lot longer than a vaginal birth would. I realized the next day (that morphine!) that my c-section was vertical instead of the normal horizontal. Later on I found out that the physicians do vertical incision  during an emergency c-section to get to the baby faster. I didn’t know then. For the first three days I couldn’t move without relying on my arms to pull me up and around. The followup procedure required me to use the bathroom (why don’t they use bedpans for us new mothers I don’t know) the second night. The pain across my midsection was searing. I got up very s l o w l y, inch by inch to get to the bathroom. Using the bathroom hurt too, very badly like the worst bladder infection you can imagine. After that I still had to use my arms for moving. They got sore pretty quick so I ended up a sore, achy miserable mess who never wanted to use the bathroom ever again.

Then comes the baby, he who is all cute smiles, dimpled elbows, teethless gums, stubby little nose, wide forehead and gray eyes. What a sight for sore arms.

masha’Allah!

6 Months

Now I really can’t sleep anywhere but my right side, thanks to big tummy and allergies. My allergies get especially bad at night, on the  mattress, so I have to sleep with my face turned towards the air purifier. It causes my arm to cramp up oh so badly :’(. But I shouldn’t be complaining, after all this is the best trimester of the pregnancy. Right now the baby is about a pound. I can’t imagine what I’m gonna look like once the baby is 7-8 pounds! Already it moves around constantly and kicks up a storm.

Other than that…nothing new to report. My sleep cycle is much lighter than before.  I wake up at least once a night, which I never did before, to use to bathroom. I imagine waking up in the middle of the night for baby is not much harder, something I was terrified of initially.  I am looking forward to the baby and esp the arrival of my family during the delivery! insha’Allah!

Baby on board!

Alhumdulilah, once the initial shock of being preggers wears off, excitement comes with no bounds.  When I found out we were expecting, the first thing I felt was fear and more fear. I’m sure this is normal for first time mothers (at least I hope I won’t go down in history as the worst possible mother for this reason) but now it’s exciting. I wonder if it’s a boy or girl, what the baby will look like, if he/she will be a quiet little angel or screaming devil.  I wonder if he/she will be smart in school, makes friends easily, love sweets like me or prefer salty foods like Omar.

Weird things come with being preggers, where do I begin? Let’s see the physical changes:

(1) Sleep: I am a heavy sleeper. Even before being pregnant, I slept for at least 9 hours a day. Anything less than that made me cranky and gave me a headache. Now, especially in the first trimester, I slept for 11 hours a day! I had no energy to walk around.  I went to the mall once with Fati and Omar about a month ago and I literally had to take a break every ten minutes. My back ached, the crowds made me hot and dizzy and all I wanted to do was go home and sleep. Thank God energy levels pick up in the 2nd trimester. But I still refuse to go to the mall.

(2) Hunger: Cravings, where art thou? Everyone tells you that the first signs of pregnancy are food cravings. LIES! The first signs of pregnancy should be food aversions. Anything u can think of made me want to puke in the first trimester. Rice, bread, soup, sweets, chicken (which I’m still feeling aversions for), fast food, cheese. Everything. Omar bought me healthy food for snacking in the early weeks and we kept the food in a little fridge in our room. That fridge and all it’s contents made me sick to my stomach within a week. I couldn’t stand even thinking about the fridge without running to the toilet.  I had it moved to my sisters room and if by chance I happen to see it there, I turned my face and concentrated on other things.  That’s how bad morning sickness and food aversions are in the first couple of months. Thank God, those days too passed.

Hunger is always present when you’re pregnant.  Ten minutes or so after a big meal, my stomach rumbles as if it’s saying, “That was for the baby, now it’s my turn!” Add that to food aversions and morning sickness and it makes a very miserable Sumi indeed.  Lately I’ve been eating much more food then I have in the last few months, alhumdulilah. Bread tastes good again, as long as it’s not whole wheat. Rice is tolerable and biryani makes me very happy.  I am almost back to wanted desserts but my body craves healthy desserts like fruits and smoothies. Yummy to healthy foods!  The other day I went with my sisters and my friend to Olive garden, where my friend ordered a salad instead of soup like the rest of us.  My stomach wanted it so bad and I kept eye-ing it. It’s amazing how your body automatically craves healthy food when you need it the most. I never ate much salad or imagined myself turning down donuts.  Alhumdulilah!

(3) Weight Gain: This is one of those things that depends on your tolerance of food. I read most women don’t gain in the first semester. Some even lose some weight because of food aversions and morning sickness.  I didn’t gain much weight so far, but since I am far from my ideal weight, I’m guessing it’s normal.

Emotional Changes:

If you’ve just found out you’re pregnant, be prepared for a crazy emotional ride. Maybe it won’t be as bad for you as it was for me. My sister didn’t mention feeling this way during her pregnancies, so it could depend on your own history. But I’m sure I really did go off the wagon for a few weeks there. All I could think about was wishing I was 16 again, back in school, without a care in the world. Blame it on the hormones but I was seriously depressed.  Daydreams took over reality and my dreams turned to nightmares. I felt scared I was never going to come out of it.  I felt like the world was dark and dreary (which it was, thanks to winter in Chicago). On top of the hormones, not being able to eat correctly, dealing with cramps and hunger pangs, my grandmother passed away during that terrible time. I shudder when I think of those days…but alhumdulilah, those too passed. Once the first trimester is over, your body adjusts to everything and peace return to life, just as winter passes into spring and the sun comes out once again. Alhumdulilah.

All I can say is I’m certainly glad the first trimester is over. Very glad, masha’Allah. The second trimester is suppose to be the best part of pregnancy, which I can say is true. Really excited and happy about this baby. I hope for a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. IA.

It was a dark and cold night….

Living here reminds me of the moors from Wuthering Heights. It’s lovely and windy during the warmer months but achingly cold and dreary in winter. Right now I’m in the computer room trying to keep my feet from freezing. Even with a blanket my toes threaten to fall off from frostbite.

Ok, slight exaggeration but. I’m. cold.

Only a week until my parents come back from India. I’m really excited to see them and more excited to see what stuff they are bringing back for us. The only thing I requested were maxis (sp?) for wearing at home but I know my mom is bringing us lots of things iA.

I’m materialistic.

I need a vacation!

But where??!!!

1. Who is your all-time inspiration?

I’d say moi namesake Sumayyah (RA), the first martyr in Islam.

2. Have you given your first kiss away? Pee-yu.

3. If you were to be stranded on a deserted island, what 3things would you take with you?

Sunscreen, soap and a toothbrush with toothpaste. That’s four things I know.

4. Where is the place that you want to go the most?
Ooo…I’d like to go to NYC!

5. If you can have 1 dream to come true, what would it be?

Having a happy, secure family life.

6. Do you believe in seeing a rainbow after the rain?

Of course, I’ve seen plenty of them.

7. What are you afraid to lose the most now?

Any1 I love dearly.

8. If you win $1 million, what would you do?

Save it and invest it into a business. It takes money to make money!!

9. If you meet someone that you love, would you confess to him/her?
If you mean a celebrity crush, I’d tell them I’m not a stalker!
10.List out 3 good points of the person who tagged you.
No one tagged me

11. What are the requirements that you wish from your other half?

Be easy on the eyes plz.
12. Which type of person do you hate the most?

Show-off people, insecure bitches (I include aunties in this, yes they are insecure and they are bitchy about it!), lazy people, bitter people and conceited people.

13. What is your ambition?

To be successful in life and to be happy always

14. If you have faults, would you rather have the people around you point out to you or would you rather have them keep quiet?

Well it would be nice to think I have no faults but it’s obviously not true. I’d like it if people told me my faults so I could improve but don’t be a bitch about it. PLZ!

15. What do you think is the most important thing in your life?

Being happy and positive about things and believing in Allah (SA)

16. Are you a shopaholic or not?

If I’m wearing the right shoes, maybe.

17. Find a word to describe the person who tagged you.

Nonexistant.

18. If you have a chance. Which part of your character you would like to change?

Lots of things about me I’d like to change. I wish I was more patient with people, more chilled and more outgoing, witty and clever.

19. Whats the last shocking thing you’ve seen or heard?

Fati without makeup. I was just getting over Paranormal Activity.

20. What song is stuck in you head currently?

Happening from Main Aur Mrs. Khanna.

I tag Fati.

Sitting on my bum

Alhumdulilah, most of the ‘big’ things we planned to sell before our move are SOLD! These include:

Treadmill

Tv Stand

Coffee Table

Carpet

Now we have the kitchen table and king size mattress left.

Good day to you all as well!